there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
