I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
