I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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