I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
