it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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