he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
