She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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