at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I wish there were birth control emojis
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
