i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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