I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
