i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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