i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
