somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
pop tarts are not kleenex
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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