cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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