I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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