She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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