Someone shit on the floor
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
