I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
