Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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