operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
