If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Still dying that you shit outside
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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