she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
