Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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