Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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