what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
