ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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