someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We need to rekindle our bromance
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
