god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize