WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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