I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm passing your future prison.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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