Taylor Swift is so right about you.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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