I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Terrible idea I love it
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
