i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
