oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
