my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
