while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
