We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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