3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
