She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
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