Cold hands, warm shart.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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