We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
did i walk over a car last night?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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