sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
