the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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