I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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