omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
