It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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