i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
