i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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