Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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