Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
