Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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