Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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