i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
