It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
