We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
