I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Still dying that you shit outside
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
