mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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