I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
