Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
