so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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