I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
